My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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