he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
