I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
