Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
