You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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