I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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