Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
