hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
