when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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