i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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