I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have post one night stand depression
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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