I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sober January is a disaster.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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