If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
