my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
