Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
