counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
