The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i've created a new STD.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize