dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
