onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
