ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
