I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
