is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
