It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So squirting runs in the family.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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