You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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