Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
