I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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