When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
