omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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