You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
