Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
