false alarm. still invincible.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
