At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
