genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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