i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
