So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
