Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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