is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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