Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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