You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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