I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
