MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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