I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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