I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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