Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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