The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize