and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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