so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
