Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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