either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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