grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
