Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
