your parents love me but you hate me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
