Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
