i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
