I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
