Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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