I want to have your abortion
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
