I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
