I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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