There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
