The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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