If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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