Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
